Posted by Heather Cross on May 27, 2010 04:07 p.m.
Over the last several months, my best friend has been having marital problems. Brittany* has changed not only as a person, but as a friend throughout these past months. As a bystander, I have been left feeling helpless and shut out by her and feel that with her marriage fading, so is our relationship. I have looked to mutual friends, my boyfriend, and my mother for advice: What can I do?
I introduced Brittany and her husband five years ago at a party. They were immediately attracted to each other and the night ended very sweetly for both of them. It was great having two friends date, and it was easier to hang out with them since I already knew and liked the guy. They were wed a little over a year and a half ago; and to me, seems like just yesterday.
It’s hard to face her problems when I know and adore the man she married, because I feel I need to hear his side as well. What she has been telling me does not seem like it is enough to end in divorce, but then again, that’s just my opinion. There are so many questions that have been racing through my mind since the day she told me they were falling apart. How do I help her? Is there any way I can make this better? Can’t I share my honest opinion, and would that even help?
I have confided in my mother, since she has been married to my father for almost 40 years. Her advice to me, and what I have followed, has left me feeling a bit helpless. I know that as a friend, my opinion should be conclusive when it comes to their marriage. But, I still feel something needs to be done, but it’s not improving and just getting worse. Here are some key points my mother has told me several times and what I am sticking to:
Listen. Just hearing her/him out is what they need. You may or may not fully understand what they’re going through, but either way, just listening is what they need most. They also may not feel their partner is listening to them; stepping in and providing the ear they need may be all the help you can give.
Make sure to hear the other side. Maybe being the mediator is all they need. I’m not asking my friends if I can be their marriage counselor, but maybe this is something that is just blown out of proportion and I need to show them what they are really disagreeing about.
Give advice. This works only when you know exactly how your friend is feeling. I, for example, have never been married, nor have I been in a relationship that has lasted over a year. It can only make an impact when you can specifically help them with a problem. The last thing your friend needs to hear is a story/problem that you have had.
Some marital problems are natural. Perhaps your friends just don’t have a married couple they’re well-acquainted with to look up to as a reference. There are ups and downs in a marriage, just like any relationship; there are bad and good years and you must fight through them because in the end it pays off. Make sure your friend knows this.
Stay neutral. This is especially true when you’re friends with only one partner. It’s not helpful to be man-bashing or woman-hating at this point. It’s easy to slip into that mindset and you have to be very careful about the words you’re saying to your friend.
I don’t know what’s going to happen with Brittany and her husband, but I know that in the end, I’ve done all I could, whatever the results may be. I never want any of my friends to end up in a divorce, but I understand that some marital problems are just a part of being married, and can actually help the relationship grow.
*name has been changed for privacy